Part of the Family

I am the first to admit that we have a very good child care situations. Bebe Lulu's day care provider loves her, and all the other kids she cares for, very very much. She is also very clear about the fact that I am the mom, and I have final say over what Bebe does or does not do. She always asks what I think she should do, but she also explains her position on whatever the issue is if it differs from mine. She has more experience in the ins and outs of child development than I do, so when she suggests we (her and me we not Bill and me we) do one thing or another, or try something new, I usually go with it. Of course she's not perfect. I mean her house is way too clean, for one. Well, that's not a flaw. They eat differently than we do, more processed foods. But then again at the first day care we had I sometimes suspected that Eva didn't eat.

Anyway, we really like her. But I am also glad that Eva doesn't cry and pitch a fit when it is time to leave.

So when a friend of mine told me that she thinks that her sitter is overly possessive of my friend's son, I totally understood. Her sitter, let's call her Connie, constantly refers to my friend's little boy as "Connie's boy." And one day said, "Oh he's part of the family." My friend's reaction? Um no. he's part of MY family. She didn't say it out loud though. For me, that kind of thing is on emotional par with the other end of the spectrum statement: "I wouldn't want a stranger raising my kids."

Parental guilt is a powerful thing. One of the reasons I like our day care provider so much is that she knows what that's about. She doesn't push it. And she's been in the business long enough to know that sometimes just needing day care is a hot button issue for parents. Maybe not everyday, but once in a while I know that I hate leaving Bebe there, even though I love working. And then I feel bad for loving work. I'm not unusual, I don't think.

So. At the risk of throwing fire on the mommy wars, I think the reason behind those wars is that we each have within us competing needs - to be mommy, to be a star outside the family, to be the woman you were when you had money and time...I know that I get worked up, bitter, and angry on the days when I feel overwhelmed at work and home and happen to read the blog of a mom who doesn't work outside of the home and has a nanny too. And on the days when I want to stay late working on an exciting project and I have to rush out the door to get Bebe ready for bed, well, I sometimes feel bitter then too, and jealous of the fancy rich people with THREE nannies. And a housekeeper.

You can't win. Except that being a mom is such an awesome thing that I would never trade in. Except for on the nights when I'd like to go out and have fun, and I didn't get a sitter.