Surprise!

I've been dreading winter this year...our leaky house (in many ways) and our old furnace loom large in my anxieties. We aren't fixing these things right now because we've come to a point where we aren't willing to put any money because we are pretty sure the prudent decision would be to tear it down and put up something new. Something smaller and more efficient. With closets and a bathtub. Luxuries like that. Anyway. That's not the point. I've just been dreading winter. The house, the cold, Bill probably having to leave to find work. The changing leaves I spotted on the drive over the mountain to book club were enough to send me over the edge. The mice have arrived, as they do every fall.

And then I realized. It's about all that and it is not. I think I really miss Bill but I am too busy to be able to feel that loneliness and this is where it is all coming to a head.

Usually I feel empty and sad immediately after he leaves through at least the week after Labor Day weekend. But not this year. Apparently 2 kids, working, cooking, cleaning, and battling rodents is enough for emotions. I wasn't feeling the rawness until just an hour ago, when I figured out what it is all about.

I do like being alone, but...not really. What I like is being alone with Bill.